May 17

May 17 - Today from Proverbs 17 we look at verse 19
"He who loves a quarrel loves sin; he who builds a high gate invites destruction."

We don't often think of anyone loving to quarrel - it's such a negative and consuming act. Unless, of course, when someone has trespassed on a sacred little piece of our life - then we feel obligated to defend our ground.
"There may be times when I'm obligated to defend my position, but that doesn't mean I love to quarrel." This is my initial reaction to the above statement. But wisdom has a quick response: "Love is not a feeling, it is a decision." Ouch! When I choose to quarrel, it means that I have placed value on the subject of the quarrel. The question is: Do I value the subject of the quarrel higher than that which is being threatened by engaging in the quarrel?
Let me share some examples. A friend or acquaintance voices an opinion that strongly disagrees with my opinion on the subject. Which do I value more, their friendship, or my opinion? . . . We are invited to the wedding of my wife's dear cousin with whom she shared much of her childhood but whom I have never met. I have a golf invitation with some guys from work on the same day. Which do I value more, the happiness of my wife, or a day with the boys on the links? . . . We're playing a friendly game of volleyball and a shot drops too near the line. Which do I value more, getting the point and winning the game, or good-natured fellowship?
I think you get the idea. Quarrels have to do with values. When we value our selfish little positions more than we do our relationships with God and others, we have crossed over into sin. When we make the decision to quarrel rather than to seek the best in a relationship, we have stated that we love to quarrel, and that equates to loving sin. We cannot even draw back to the position of saying, "But they chose the quarrel." One person cannot quarrel.
Another destructive aspect of quarrels is that they often tend to draw others in. When pride is challenged, it wants to fortify its position by seeking others who agree. This causes division and hostile feelings when the only things at risk are opinions. It is one of the most destructive forces within the church.
"But," we might ask, "Aren't there times when we must take a stand, when the subject of disagreement is more valuable than the relationship?" I carefully answer with a qualified yes. We must all have convictions in life. These are the things we are so convinced of that we are willing to die for them. (I don't know of anyone who would be willing to die for an opinion.) If one has true convictions they will not compromise them. Even then, one must be very careful as to how they conduct themselves. When we watch our Lord Jesus engaging those who would quarrel with Him, we can learn much about wisdom. Jesus seldom, if ever, entered into a quarrel. He asked good questions, which if properly answered would silence the accusers. Most of the time the accusers refused to answer, and thus the quarrel died with the ball lying in their court. Jesus valued the soul of His fellow man, and never fortified His position to where the soul was cut off from the truth. His accusers always had a choice - but He never forced them to make it.
The next time you're tempted to get into a quarrel, discipline yourself to identify the subject of the quarrel. Is it more valuable than the relationship? Would you be willing to die for the principle of the subject? Is there a way you can place the ball back into the court of the other without slamming the door?
Wisdom learns to place values and then to order them according to God's values. Wise people have few negative and consuming quarrels in life. It's just not worth it.